I went into work knowing it’s time for my performance review. I wasn’t reviewed in that way… it was a complaint and unfortunately a series of fairly bothersomely biggie complaints. I was able and I amproud that I went in with the attitude of where’s mine? oh no, I went in with the attitude of where can I improve….if it wasn’t for that attitude I would have left there upset to not get the rare enough pat on the back and be upset about it…perhaps past employment. as it is, I am employed and am pleased.
I left to obtain my new glasses. I have them I see better, but I am so habitually used to squishing them closer to my eyeballs that now I’m aware that suc h isn’t better but total fog when I do this that lol, I’m going to have to get used to changing a habit. I am physically able to see some texture in black top where originally I could not. I can see the outline of my door and deadbolt hardware whereas before I could even see the handle. I can read a business card slightly further away but overall actual sight isn’t vastly improved.
I am glad I paid thises or thats early last month as that saved me this month. I’m glad I have a new plan regaurding how to maximize the startlingly unfair reguirments of being both employed and diabetic. I mean please understand I feel right now I got some bandaides just in time but I’m saddened that they’re not solutions but bandaides. and I suppose spiritually speaking I wonder when I went into the weeds of what’s possible to what should be because right now I’ve gotten what is possible and likely and I’m surprised at how meager not miraculous it is.
be that a nice continuing love interest a world away that strikes me as all of a suddden me being nice when someone else gets the glory/gain. the real girlfriend where I seem to saunter in come only fuck me times which to my sense of ethics is not making me appear nicec… but heh, I’m glad I can actually read what I’m typing right now or damn close. I’m glad I’m employed as I have more designs on money spending…and self improvement. …You might be surprised at how stupidly tied into other’s oppinions I really am and I am pleased to learn I was wrong in a way or at least now as I’m not 17 anymore and oppinions and expectations change in time… but but in a way all of my if onlys seem to be granted me to see they don’t matter now and hint maybe they never did.
if only I made a proper living maybe I’d have been married 20 years ago.
if only I lost weight and thus became instantly sexy/ier I’d have it easier chasing interests
and it turns out I have a descent job improved my purchasing powers go me…now to have them free by paying them off again 😀 lol I long ago lost 55 lbs and never regained it. 😀 I have no more security now than I ever did and yet what a surprise, I do have options whereas once I didn’t but that is it. I wonder if I am upset that it seems I invest the time and years into what I want and feel jipped it isn’t more. the answer is of course yes yes YES and get over it chump there is this thing called reality so learn to live with it.
I suppose I should hug myself and be jazzed I get to see what I always wanted to know and was convinced about only to see in a way I’m right but there is a heavy element of timing. to be me now is fine! wonderful! I’m truly blessed even if I wonder how. but I wonder still if I got a few key shafts in opportunity that very much did count but evaporate with time. like that I literally feel my little accomplishments might be a smile at 21 impressive younger but are years expect in my age class now and I”m slow/ retarded ./ in a way to go joining the party late…. you know when it’s about the kids as my time was over a generation ago…. literally half a lifetime ago.