the past passes away. Sean Connery left on halloween just as a generation before’s Harry Houdini. I’m still thinking of the current thankful obsessions collections to even chinese restaurant menus to prove something as simple not of a beginning of somethings but that of the first documentables proofs of things begun…. like I ador chicken Tikka Masala but it it’s Bangledeshi most likely Originating in the UK versus anywhere “Indian Subscontinent” and thus you’ve my brainwaves this moment from visions of the world to that of the best in cinematic imaginations…none of which are really necessarily true…. Just as a favorite moment in Literature for me was Philip Kimball’s “Liar’s Moon” a long story…. I remember feeling happy I had understood more of it as it was written in a style that allowed utter lies to be a part of what I had just colleged up to the bullshit of Oral History versus that of a time before’s if it isn’t written, It DOESN”T count. wellproof is a dash hard to come by and which opinion sure will color things! I thus add to this overwrought paragraph the notions of the futures coming via divinations… I’m a sagittarian by zodiac’s WEST and my coming futures says I may not have a reversal of actual fortunes well into may of twenty-one – yet here it’s coming november and I’m likely perhaps to go even further back supposedly in fortunes all of which are designed in a seeming way to say I can trust in GOD more or inn the constructs of those less divine out there controlling… being able to realize or suss liff isn’t all rosey nice yet it’s a joy to toss our opinion or voice in this and yet in a way it never does matter…shh I don’t mean I’m not or you aren’t precious, but ugly can cometh our way…babylon can concur jerusalem and import israel into the iran of our now but it wasn’t then….or my freedom is actually upon me to love out loud even if i so far got only the darknesses as gifts and I’m even in a way right that such is a madate of our lives yes but it’s sstill a choice. so as this goober thinks homes, independance anda life of affirmation within my influence…justice of a sort of I can be good and have good come back to me?… well just imagine that the blast the dieties moment in progress is that line of fortune saying I would win sasound the crow’s nevermore of the gods joking with me…and I suppose i can have some apple pie breakfast too.y a chance to laugh again holding their hand…. and that most likely nothing actually changes but the whatever complaint fades into other living. thus maintinances are to slog toil to my morning meds…hold myself currently sick and bankrupt but no less a voice of hope right now a dash scattered as I seem the meaning faded….to revel in life possible coming or not heheheh …. like apple pie breakfast?


‘Suss’ing be Luck

These examples that follow are likely mostly repeats but the shift to build upon that I have is hopefully not that boring.

I play a lot of games. I don’t watch a lot of television or social circles up my news or newspaper. I try avoiding bad or negatives.

I played games like mine sweeper followed immediately by match 13s type solitaire or a maze pacman type of game to make sure two differing mental processes tested often. Later, my gaming and testing became activities work as I volunteered it to be and well enough to buy more clothes to dress the job I got, maintain ideas in place and generate more. Deal with real world criticism and pitfalls therein while learning and growing -taking on without big talk or ego more responsibilities. It won’t surprise anyone that staff come and go so by dead man’s boots, I made department lead, if in an email interim capacity, before long. Where it would be a leap beyond what I’d demonstrated and built, I wouldn’t have my ideas of direction or the community inroads of my own to match what we had in place, I would not and was not being groomed at this time to become “the real boss.”. Yet how many of us are, wow I got the job and they are taking it..the brass ring away? Or am I building my achievements one brick at a time to real achievement and not some fancy badge? Real growth is slower.

Okay a decade back I had solidified my changes bye moving away from my circles of then friends who cycles and life choices were beginning second marriages and or settling into their lives and family. I’m middle aged, not of a variant lifestyle to “little pink houses” and no children or ever married. We surely hear that modt insane thing we can do is keep repeating the same choices expecting change. So, jealous if you’re quick judging, am I, but trusting heart- on -sleeve unselfish aware enough to know I’ll compromise or kaboom and kaflooey… And that overarching notion that one is supported by family and friends towards dreams…and as you’ll smarties all of you reading sense that I sense I have not what I want and thusy support is got to change. I take my sparks to cause whatever fire I may. I’m not a secret. I’m worthy. I put out every bit of relearning approaches to be even more atop possibilities…axing energy vampires… And bam! Second chance romance fritters into a good long term internet friend but how to make friends life companions? How to make possible what like livings for a family when I only have so many ways forward? Only so many abilities? Make ways happen. Adventure as responsibility allows, work as in trade for rent and part time jobs might be enough when lottery or poker gambling hero obviously just isn’t likely to make livings for all… And most of all safely gamble but never forget that powerful lucre of risking for one’s by following dreams… Or you might not equate risk with reward but somewhere I must or I wouldn’t risk. Annd? Last major adventure I had about nine months credit limit maxxed time based on twenty-two months I remained there family yet other options before health declined along with shrunk ng means and the the whole …woman sought… Yet no real future of mine to cover her shifting futures meant my offer love?……….. Refer to jobs versus lottery being stable means to offer yet still risk but cagily all for the dream…risk but don’t be the biggest fool coming. Love though you’ve lost before. And thus though it didn’t result in a win, I’m not so certain I lost based on risks I wanted against making the impossible of efforts to surmount the known like cash on hand for a lifetime to become…okay, limited but 22 isn’t 9…limited success but built success every seeming male compromise which we joke to mean yes ma’am it’ll be your way or no way! Yet through this via actions demonstrate I care after who I was after…asking of course to be believed IN… No dough? No belief. Or if if you have words, meaning them is a good thing to making them reality….again, I said of love and blah blah learned quite a bit on patience but not formatting entirely or is that only to grow another’s betrayal? Hahaha you either love all that they are or it’s not love… But clearly my balancing selfish hopesoffering all in return for all they are? Humbly asking help in real life points I knew troubling?😂😂😂 In that last aspect I got another lump…or did I? As to naive dreams of looks like love, sure… No person to hold or be seen with…yet I don’t hate or wish unhappiness despite my offered return of a quite the disappointment. I’ll recover the financial risk repaid and inchworm surely towardsome way to attempt after the impossible again… But this time the kids came with no typical way to retry… Kidneys failed as in my travels I went from always legally blind but I could watch reliably a senior try to inappropriate ly stand in time to intervene and write just neat enough to fulfill not just my paperwork itself but not appear blind or incompetent to cause question….or in other jobs, read a cash till and both make correct transactions and be as expected part of loss prevention…. So financial constraints as the dream didn’t come through atop health and ability denying any new same old schemes haha and a no thanks….awwwwwwww. Everything gambled and lost yet another sucker born. Try and cry. Even over a year later that stings… Yet while not in this paragraph evidence given til now,. I was ending junior year of high school literally sock sniffing anything thankfully to you reading nothing lethally poisonous as a lifeline ng thyroid out begets crippling depression and coping issues which by then was numbing and I was hopeless! 17 I’m 46 in about a month so in all that life long as I’m on the max thyroid replacement before the medicine is poison…so mines gone and my gift is depression hahaha yummy! But I know for me that mine always came with a logic error of I felt blue then! Discovered how I deserved it….that’s a sequencial error. An error that with years of telling myself towards my dreams or life at all has kept me here and hiding the knives by not doing as many harmful things…we’d love all of us to say no harmful things but that’s hypocritically in accurate. So as my life is in its overtime, I’m rather out of fortunes at present, gambling after the last shows currently little hope of my loves offer being retried… I’m rather better at fighting to see my dreams achieved anyways. I don’t know if my luck is short term friends or if I get my forever to cherish or annoy. Yet I’m a tiny bit capable of wanting the person not sex toy. And that persuit into my unknowns of health fortunes abilities etc.

Have I sussed my luck? Maybe may. It’ll be a bit to alter my current fortunes to maybe attract the returns of these dreams of another together down our lives paths as I don’t get all avarice about just any object or possession



concave. gentle. the sucked-in shape of a coffee mug. the pronounced concave is a cooling tower oft for nuclear power. myopia corrective optics bring the far away close.


after I complete a form/application, I have address changes AGAIN – one is books (Colorado Talking Books) I’ve tried Alexander McCall Smith’s “The no.1 Ladies Detective Agency” series. Dostoevski, Vonnegut, “The Great Brain” series “The First North Americans/People of” series … Tony Hillerman’s Leaphorn & Chee, Agatha Christie’s Poirot to Raymond Chandler’s Phillip Marlowe. I suppose Im not against PG Wodehouse or reinfestation of Clavell’s King Rat…

a more productive list

CC 2161 Air
Author: Lloyd, David.
Narrator: Kelley, Jim.
How strong is the air inside a tornado? Questions such as this are
answered for children in this book. Grades 2-4. 1982. (1 sound

(my current info is the strongest measured speed is 301 mph/~485kph, but Im around two so I best invest in sharing)

CC 2096 100-Year-Old Cactus
Author: Holmes, Anita.
Narrator: Verbiscar, Linda.
Describes the first 100 years of the life cycle of a saguaro cactus–
its growth from seed to mature plant in the hot, dry Sonoran Desert
of Arizona; as it provides shelter and food for desert animals. 1983. (1
sound cassette)

(frankensense is a resin of desert trees of biblical sinai, balssamic vinegar ages a good while, century plants arent a “century” but do take a while)

CC 2379 Beyond The Chestnut Trees
Author: Bauer, Maria.
Narrator: Henry, Toni.
Maria Bauer returns to Prague, the city of her youth, after a 40-year
absence. In flashbacks she recaptures the lost age of Eastern Europe
as it was between two world wars. (3 sound cassettes)

CC 2379 Beyond The Chestnut Trees
Author: Bauer, Maria.
Narrator: Henry, Toni.
Maria Bauer returns to Prague, the city of her youth, after a 40-year
absence. In flashbacks she recaptures the lost age of Eastern Europe
as it was between two world wars. (3 sound cassettes)

(the last “prague” for me was vice youtube)

as you see, slow going bookhunting

want out but skip wanting to make effort to go out.

mexicos moles

a better tour of coffees

fermented things… cacao kimchee not beer n booze


i should muse myself elsewhere


not work sfe or small kids safe.

I’m thinking of my life forward wants needs how to interact within others etc checklists. I’m not as to the worsts end of them. however I feel my performance upon them warrants a music cue to keep forwarding me. like many, I didn’t get all I felt i could have and even have sadly seen i was in line for but ….circumstances…. etc. I’ve had the tough breaks too on other fronts. I’m largely just so sick of making the same choices and expecting different outcomes. I’m sick of being the same annoying drama coming. the same attitude I know I’m approaching often self fulfilling failure that lets face faces, I’m just as responsible for.

now, if you know more of my story, you’d see, I’ve enough challenges going of failure of health atop everyone’s favorite low income now add that a lot of my supposrt can be…ultimately unsupportive. heh. love hunh? but, in true joy, I have some support still and the above is true, some wont help despite being paid to do so and free to say my results are not their responsibility. so a kick in the pants for me to keep pushing for ME and get these lists achieved despite the despressions, despite the help I’m supposed to have but don’t always or the betrayals sorted and dealt with. I mean. it’s not always easy out there! and yes, it’s quite possible I may get less because a few along the way chose how they did and we all know there’s an easy street of luck where a few things we dont control can make alllll the difference in the world…. but personal responsibility is engendering those who can help being thankful if they choose to and doing my bit….sometimes unfairly all of it.

so if you’ve watched gals who could say no thanks, if you’ve watched a smart guy struggle unmercilously with a fit in further education, jobs evaporate seemingly overnight yet remember how social I am actually not and how that can play out on a job where it’s tricky at best in a competitive situation to network yet I don’t so duh obviously I’m now more or less a target…it CAN happen. I mean it’s true I’ve gotten good and bad and some of the expectations irritating but understanding other’s choices and why is never much fun to guess at yet getting on with others will make or break us and now being doubly careful with far less to offer ugh…oh boy. but I’m again so sick of it’s not my way how dare they. is months in reality to build experiences and trust with them even then. its great to kissy kissy but it’s not any great relationship if they don’t ever trust you’ve their back…it doesn’t matter if you could and want to and yet still flunk it, you can understand life and other’s life isn’t your choice but them making theirs. you can lament you don’t have this or that and be a dash disappointed they do and choose to not give as that’s their choice not yours. you can even bring religion into this and say god keeps you from places that may not be for YOU….or less kindly think gods a jerk holding you back lol. or see an unrhyming universe full of outcomes that have no spirituality to then… things happen. and you can still hope I get after my lists as without them completed, I’ll have more troubles.


Plan B

The screen door latch lock giggled me locked out. it snowed right afterwards or so but lucky me the garage of no cars sheltered patio but not for cigs, was open. It was just a bit over an hour before the house was up, so this, hey oops, wasn’t a complete nightmare. It was just, okay, I’ll cool it for a little bit.

Trying different angles toward problems is a dash fulfilling in that the problems don’t go away but not being ruined by them is a boost.


Dumb, But Fun Associations

I’ve gotten my mail from address change -which I got wrong-

I’ve joined! Woo hoo! PARTY! The .700 Club!. (I’ve billing over $700,000 this year… not the religious television thing 😉 ) of which and it’s “not a bill” saying I COULD be billed $63,000+ thus dumb but fun association #2 “life in a northern town” has a lyric… it was 1963 felt like the world would freeze… minor adjustment of 1963 to it says about ‘$63,***’ and? Voila we got a bit of lyric fun.

The inspiration I’d light but come on! Morning bevvies (Tea, not tequila) can only do so much for a morning.


Shoping Some More

spendy Pens. above also has inks. in passing contrary to my I like purple phase I like the grey and then amaranth inks. but how I got here isn’t spendy pens in general but so pretty spectacular artsy pens.

Really spendy pens.

I like the fun of that. a tri-ette, a pun to be sure 😉 I briefly got a chance to converse with mr Nevue in the era this concert piece came about. nice fellow. I’m lucky to have met him via facebook. joe b. hadn’t heard before but david lanz I have and thus, picking out who’s who wasn’t a challenge for me

today in food was a return to joyous old haunt lunch for a stuffed sopapilla it was a joy but too small now and I’m under one hundred fourty pounds and eat accodingly so they’ve also kept costs stable too but that’s not enough…. this might surprise you but never before I can think of have I ordered correctly as in an entree and not left full or full enough. later itss schlotskis for a dinner era sandwich and I get a small. mind you I had a snack sized cereal first and same thing. while I’m by no means starving. I’m getting more appetitie in the evenings so often not getting much as i’m at dialysis and you guessed itt except by prescription, no eating and if prescribed it’s only a crappo chalk protein drink but oddly this places while still chalk is fairly tasty. nova source brand….chocolate. choc, vanilla, strawberry options.

if you’re not catching on, I’m not particularly inspired this instant. but so you feel that by actions is part of writing exercise. even a dash boring is part of life. and it’s not really because I had zilch happening. bit out of my ordinary. dine out day good junk food a eye and ear catching new to me tune…. heheheh. even catcchatted with brother in law’s father whom I don’t have epic ammounts in common with so if we converse any it’s a banner moment. yes this is exactly how bad I type when I’m unable to see the screen at all and haven’t spent eons editing it.



Imaway from Amazon after looking up fancified coffee machines. I’m specifically reintroducing the fifteen or higher bar espresso machines, with or without milk frother wands, seperated milk frothers, whether it allows k cup use, and whether I need so very much costs or Not.

it would appear I can seperate sally up an array for $220 or combine some style for a modest bit more or hog out for double bubble costs. and strangely to me, get a grind fresh automated regular coffee for about the same. oryada. I’m not entirely surprised the seeming costs of things has doubled as I really haven’t looked into this stuff in about ten years very heavily and that hope not on sale is that doubled in ten years thing…

oddly even the ascaso is half the once cost it used to be of 9 00 mow 449. and I just am not trigger happy even with dream money . I guess drinking tea before coffee machinery shopping is sacreligious. naughty me.


“little” THINGS

I’m thinkinking of the little things that alter for me and of me. In five years ish i have been away from the life set up in the previous five some years it’s periods.

this five years was of trying after more and while it seems I atombombed out not just struck out in those attempts, it’s not nearly so tragic as it may seem on the surface. I added as planned i might add to visit specifically deleware, south carolina, new englnd if possible, lousiana and arkansas without fail hopefully mississippi too and id hit alabut I managed all but deleware as i got lost in downtown philadelphia and didn’t have enough time to recover or I’d miss my flight out of town…nay to missed flights!!!! I missed one in december of thirteen and while I managed two of the three ladies i intended to see, I couldn’t fix that for five years nearly and thats um, showing up a dash late 😉

better than the ten year wait to see and taste a proper nigeerian meal in dallas i listed as reference in a college paper i did well on. or the thirteen year it took to get to visit new orleans as i meant to visit in oh five for mardi gras and couldn’t and oops katrina. but still, late’s late. now if you say it’s never too late you’d sorta be right spiritually speaking and then again you’d be dead dead wrong in other cases as there just is a time and season for some things. I didn’t get to visit a twenty some known friend in philadelphia as who wants to meet some minor internet friend who is of the opposite sex when one has a husband and family and enough hell trying to keep up a job and a life to suffer the irritation I was obviously interested once and say nice things still…. I mean by fuller example, the magic was nineteen ninety nine and I could visit philadelphia or oklahoma and I chose okalhoma for better or worse and i remember vividly in two thousand two the window of a time with here closed as pregnancy of the first of three came. and communications whilenever mean or nasty faded through the kids and then the second major life partner and now the second good so far and likely will be husband. times come. or a less likely partner where I asked and we all say the but I asked after this other long time internet friend still and she said nah and literally met the boyfriend of the next five years hell later finishing that hell with a nursing degree from being a guitarist and bartender previous to a totally new life of budhism with china visits to nursing and art in between that boyfriend of hell I caught up again and just as it was worth building my slow way more bam next thirteen gone with hubby two which he stepped away in that relationship she ended and lol less than a month later was with the new guy. yay he works out but there is definitely a timing in life! there is a season. there is a thing as too bad so sad too late hahaha now i remember the last had a relationship in progress but was supposedly done with hence I did strike out to try after it. i was about before it was official and yet behind the curve as it appears NOW then etc many points I didn’t fit with my hopes including after her and her wishes and thus it seems even if I made an atttempt to improve my timing it’s still a dash hopeless off hahaha i showed up with the offer me and it hust wasn’t an offer as much as it was a dream to look over sure but really just a test that what she chose along the way was what she wanted and it was and thus it seeeeeemed i had the time and I did but as you can imagine it turned out poorly for my hopes. and it probably always would which was sad as one avoids such no win situations as it’s hard enough trying and winning in life now try and lose double ouch. maybe Im wrong or worse maybe I relationship has a pregot played by a sinister player meanie pants hahaha and i totally suck at guessing people and situations and am doomed to a peaceful life alone if I’m smart fooey on others as I’m selfish anyways…. 😀 and i am who isn’t. ? . but again there are times it seems time or there is time and then there is so certainties that time passes even if initially say in grief it seems time never will budge but it does. but as you can clearly see I’m well aware of time more so than ever. fancy I’m just about middle aged too so I am perfectlyf timed for crisis ala midlife too which is perfectly ill-timed for the lessons of attracting others and the meaning and place of love I’d seek and they’d too or I’d never get laid, male reason for living number one forget any other reasons of living unless one has a kid to spend a life alongside in the ways we do which ding ding also requires getting laid so hence proof of point again. lady reader can laugh at such bogus bull crap logic on my part here spewed or lament i may have actually a sad point. your choice. it’s fun either way.

a sentence dropped somewhere sorry it’s still hard typing on a chromebook with it’s trs 80 trash computer button keys versus my phone and chicken pecking but being able to see errors.

anyways time…alan parsons project is on my cue list in a moment. I get to chase another period of time and enjoy it to the hilt complete with treasure and or lumps. I’m not as afraid this instant to not only not get what what I want but accept more fully the whole totality of another and that includes the darknesses and that you can thank two folk in their ways and nays on my hopes and offers forever. as without that I’d be more naive. boring. and useless. but I hope I’m not a life in training to have a damn life lol as there is in fact only so many seasons I’m here for!

now little things. I lived in a hostel off and on for the two years I lived in florida. I learned to live out of one drawer of a fridge. enjoy foreign or very few of my own tool or posessions as I had about one big wheeled suitcase gift i was given thanks…along with a cat pissed sweater I still have to try a bottle of enzyme solution on as I moved away to another cat who helped the damn rag along….and i need retire the shoes and the pjs flat out dont fit as I’m twenty pounds lighter and double knoted the cord on them for a heavier me…and the shoes gotta go about next month as they’re toasty finally and the med bag which should have been a lunch insulated hot or mostly cold bag the zipper sticks so it’s about aone pull from so long sucker.. or time ages the gifts in actuality. time passes without fail.. but it is in very little ways.

another little thing is I never used to even check a door locked as I refuse to live in fear in life and locks mean fear to me not just being careful after loved one s or safety. but i do lock doors now and check and some of my time was with family who lived that little bit differently than I

.I still don’t own more than a quick truck load gift lend of stuff or a car load back seat with dog along room to any home so you see I went from two trucks to what I even in limited lifting can and do lift myself even if I’ve no car…cab…I mean

I’m lighter in life’s footprintprints but more traveled

I literally now have cabbed a zillion places to even consider it sometimes necessary versus other transit options since I’ll never drive being blind even if you offer a fancy robot driver car.

Ihaven’t entirely given up hope even if a zillion things stack up against me and unlike my teen years they have stacked against me and I’m more adamently wishing to be alive than i did in the depression session of teens.

I’ve less now than ever and yet more? weird. i’ve far more against me and feel more support. I’ve far less real options and statistically far less purchasing power than ever yada on my thoughts help me out government@ hahaha yet I’ve far far more power than ever. it’s little things. like gratitude thank you ms aben.



Hyper text transport protocol secured… this site does the new internet of following safely your cookie crumbs of and to advertise to you. .oo means indonesia which isn’t a hotbed of internet skullduggery either.

ive utilized whist and spades when this site first came to me to learn enough to chase learning bridge which it doesn’t offer. I’ll be honest, pinnocle is still a mooshey mess of how it’s played. But I keep trying to touch the past… I vividly though not invited to participate remember that home for cards my folks and church friends gathered for pinnocle. And we emergency watched at 8,9 me and brother when sis was coming into the world.

We had a complete family style taco bar courtesy of chef not me. Rum and cherry cokes on offer and follow your crowd if …you get the idea

I say this considering

Meatballs for spaghetti and meatballs back when I lived in Tampa’s Grams Hostel

take the simple execution of gold your meatball seasonings gently together and throughout mince, roll up and plop into tray, foil! Bake done! In honesty, it’s a lil scrubby scrub of the bottom and sides of the wells as in no it doesn’t rinse and dishwasher directly, but you’ll be amazed how easy it is for time-stress cooks. -this makes meatball for meatball sandwiches and what I hope, bite sized burger hors d’oeuvre for a future game night possibly.

Laugh as you seense I’m not the fancy cook any longer and thus can’t resist a lookie-me hahahaha