A nickel for every time

I’m told of core choice good choices confidence Jen whatever French cois a multitude of reasons I’m not the dream or fail to offer the one desired or believe in even myself Understand/ing if not comprehend
If I had a nickel for every time hahaha
I do in fact πŸ˜‰ it’s a weight of power to know I conjure ideas or treasure.

It’s like watching the prince of Egypt



It’s Easy then hard
Cycling through fear and belief
Water makes rocks shards

It’s easy then hard
Seeing a simple joy barred?
Magic of the cards

It’s easy then hard
Kissing softly holding close
This grease isn’t lard

It’s easy then hard
Knowing it’s also choices
Progress or retard?

It’s easy then hard
To see joy and blanket fear
Space has light and dark

It’s easy then hard
As hands grasp each nether cheek
You know just how far


Chicken meatballs… again

Now bake 400f/35 covered

Char balls and salad prep

The delay
Stove needed a chisel

Couldn’t find bacon then chives oops then laundry my next trick! Then you see stove needed chiseled so there were too quickies that instead were time bandits!

Now for reveal





Projection emotion

If ever it isn’t obvious and believe you me! It isn’t. Projection reveals some of the deeest we are.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!- fdr; brilliance but Bubkiss. I can both win and lose thus there is fear and it’s real? Nah I can care and survive humbly no matter what win or lose happy or sad that while weak is strong.

I fear as I revel in it… financial insecurity within lack of my belief in my value of success and worth. Shhh this isn’t necessarily bad but it can get unpleasant.

I fear this growing up a snob. I was separate in the jehovah witnesses by not celebrating holidays as a rule eschewing bad things . Obviously if you read word one of me you’ll see I wish to be good and know I am but not always I’m easily a kleptomaniac liar mean as a snake hateful fearful knowing money is a careful image to cultivate no it’s no sin to have confidence and cash but also one can paradoxically be rich while outwardly poor. Either way it’s to be valued and gee duh haha guess who doesn’t thus wholly believe in me save with bandage spirituality that I am sex grease! Success value and yada bravado and atop this a heart of an ic to give the last drops pumped of me trying. Trying pushes it away. So much for me being positive!! πŸ˜‰

Now watch- I went up and down in life like we all do. Bet you didn’t think it’d be a smell my memory moving from a standard house to a mobile home but urethan smells like urine its namesake and thus my memory going lower is piss figures I add kidney failure a fatal lack of pissing πŸ™‚ to compensate which is lack of acceptance anger in ancient eastern symbolic medicine. I caught myself calling poor white trash and trailer trash and remember the smell but why? I see no likely way any offer of mine is likely a better solution to provide the requirements of space desired versus required and affordable with the usual hint of a lifelong belief I only win if I can support it all and succeed so in a way that flatters. I don’t believe often I’ll be helped and am evil incarnate obstinate about help because I WILL.

Laugh a little as you tour a lifetime of subtle truth hidden in times. It’s okay to show pride putting best forward wherever happy. You can have near nothing and show pride a mile long and confidence better than any king. I have never once seen anyone do it wholly alone singly sure but most often hide to the world the help they have and credit all day on what’s achieved. Stupid as I am I still sit on means enough to space of my own our own if so lucky where yes in no time flat if and trust me this isn’t easy – get me p/t work and I bet my other doesn’t long have to food fun and life await exploration blah puke my visions often are shit on for not being imaginative. I’m really this boring. You’ll have to just deal.

Now in there do you see trust issues projection ? All over the map! Some of the nastiest any of us are is when we fight what we fear we are. If I a snob is poor I’m? Minus easier financial options duh! If pride is taken I’m kosher my whole life whatever the circumstances and now….
I can’t see which lies to tell. You knew I’d mention actual visual challenge ! I have one and it hinders me from the truth in manipulating body language to get positive or negative results thus enough of expectations and how to meet them to play life’s repeating games

But at heart I can care also survive and provide in that I’m far into cheap avenues to enjoy luxury on budget I have. Not we I don’t trust a soul to contribute just window dress my life very well I work as allowedon this. I know I’m not alone but tell that to my heart I fear too.but isn’t it probably frightening how powerful projection is at reveal others I used to think a commanding word thump whatever that’s it! Solved. No it’s usually negative and projection. Bummer my world ends as I see newer ways to be hahahaha. I know shouting isn’t command except on screen if to be heard at all. Quiet too carries weight.

Also gee duh I’m new to trust in love a rollercoaster of feelings but you mean something and it’s Fire passion a dream. Now trust iron of my soul I am so new you could fart and scare me away! Ug I hate new. It of course cherished as infancy is hahsha im opposite the world greaaaaat. But if I’m right I can admit I’m not the best but I do know when I operate from passion /feeling and learning to balance this enough to not burn the other down is nice but passion moves and to simply quell truth defeats the point. But to move in the physical expression of all I am requiresme to live and thus wrong often here I am

Hurtful yep here I am but it’s surprising as I’m usually nice. Trusting myself to my fears revealed ? Dumb but required always have lost in life here at this point trusting I am valuable when I too have weakness. I get that wrong!!!

Well anyways win or lose oh yeah I’m after someone. I learn this. I expect in truth to not gain her trust wholly because somehow I can’t earn this?
Okay so maybe I’m also full of shut too

I engender trust in powerful ways in an instant.

I mean here only to say I wish to see my fears vanquished so of this is you some me butt ultimately to not hide. Meaning oh gee great I’m likely to hide my whole life balance Starman! ;). Yes affairs instead of open value. Yes poor when rich counts. Oppose when harmony is there

These are me I wish they weren’t they aren’t well liked attributes! But πŸ˜‰

Such is me
I project like others I read a bunch. Try to cook. Enjoy it most when I present uncaring of looks the best tastes ever.

I know I can lose. Probably feel I deserve too as well but

I can win and I do need help to do it. I resist such meaning I’m crabby at this πŸ˜‰

I need you for a dream simply find the bloody dream heheh I know this mean I finally say my truth meaning I now lose but heh
Oddly I don’t for a change I bet you agree.


Do I want?

Ashes in the rain
Bleeding the inked stories told
And seeping away

I do well! Now any fool knows I’m TRYING to be thankful…. I oscillate though convinced on one hand how I can and count the ways yet as I say oscillate here again. Heheheh. I can’t even see so use my phone as reading glasses to catch just a chance more. I’m a week or two from my glasses. I can taste my dreams yet not quite hold them long. I can taste! ;).

I bought a silly e-cig. I’ve a cartridge and it charged. I wonder where I’m at oscillating here. I’m a long spell from the last hope to quit /alter. I don’t see myself in my dream smoking.

I see in this dream joy such is a smile mine is from seeing another content. Lately I have some charm :). I find even in setback the way to simply be and such is still happy. I suppose I’m unhappy if the choice is gone. I even enjoyed time it seemed when it was hopeless at the moment – it just bothers me Only two ways to invest beliving in air or hope – the moments are gifts free as the bird but birds congregate to songs sung. It is harder to believe alone or many soft things luxury that really aren’t they’re life itself…

Do I want cheesecake? Yes, please.




Murray Christmas πŸ˜‰

Yes it’s xmas morning and up at 3 then six something I lazily read of the world.

I’ve a fine day of ham coming ( so much for the diet ) I hope I enjoy a little. I have a fine going as wallpaper to a gathering I just so far didn’t plug right in. Oh shipshape! I’ll try and maybe it’s just breathing and sharing a smile afterall.

I read of many who pass knowing I what? See time change?? Can it be my time coming (please?). I know this is silly but it was eighties heaven! Ghostbusters theme time πŸ˜‰ to smile at the ghosts. I didn’t then win as I may not now either but it is time to dance in a Serling?? Swirling! drain the blues of what wasn’t or will be.

No I haven’t had the Bloody Mary xmas breakfast. I easily can. I’d rather the can πŸ˜‰ Heheheh if I have that I may find it! if you get rude πŸ˜€

I thus swirl in amoungst ghosts. I’m happy enough. Merry xmas past sure merry xmas me the usual fit or just not, me. You too! I wonder after the future wondering how it’s the same but this time smiling if the faces change. Even if I never grew up in Christmas I finally can look back in a blanket of them new and old warm in today’s.

I probably won’t technically make a dang thing – this doesn’t mean your blind ‘chef’ won’t help but it’s somehow this second not my party ;). But I’ll surely have a hand in it πŸ˜‰

And heh I’ve a lot of vodka to pepetrate. I’m likely going to evil up since the vodka juice idea died to sweetened spiked coffees. I may get you. Murray Christmas!


I’m of the annoited!

Keeping up dropping messy glass from high places, I Rachel Ray-ed the floor all evoo ( uh oh, spaghetti-oh crap). This is time to laugh as I’m so keen on oiling the floors! This is time to be an hour after the bliss of service!
However, I caught the Burger King fish sandwich πŸ˜‰

Today I am to uncles’ for the holidays. I enjoyed window some shopping and lunch getting here. You might imagine that I’m smiling.

Many distressing things occurred and yet an African man sent me to bed with the peace of god to awake ready to conquer the world ( yes that can sound gay love yet it was not nor do I care – simply πŸ˜› you ) many passed and irrational negative plus a real poltergeist of a dead smell haunted the laundry hall ala not yummy this week smells yet it never has been found fully. As you may have. Read I lost one acquaintance from the hostel to suicide another found jail and a routine surgery was death or it isn’t shinny all the time! Yet moments restore and I have the hope I’ve chosen well and do hope the initial trials are swiftly less. πŸ™‚

I made chicken things even I’m surprised they were so good. Sazon chicken bacon tortilla blt pizzas and chicken bacon meatballs that rival any I’ve ever ever had. I may return to communication with not wholly have gnawed my feet off.!. I still can lose but I have truly done my chosen best so I feel good. Hug.


Snaggle tooth

And of doors closing
Hidden mechanics clicking
The new way chosen

I seem to lose all hope I can be valued and good just honest and accept I’m only so much. I already lose one I met here to suicide. All of my doings go slowly and not to plan. I am to risk more gaining less. I am to be happier making this exciting

Insurance lied saying my info and numbers is the same – it is different and a nightmare of referrals with only the company offering pick and choose denial of coverage therefore.
My romance seems to offer goodness and value reminding me I give back same so I lose by default and am this instant bereft of any hope I’ll matter chosen – back to the drawing board of honesty I guess I don’t so I’ll get to sacrifice all I dream of to offer emotion light for others I’m not to find a helpmate just disappointingly be a oneway dream giving all being gifted in return as I am to be nothing upbuilt
I wake many don’t it isn’t sunshine but a grey peace today. I’ll be after yet more fears to conquer and Phoenix-ing hope from ashes again

So on this is a memory in food πŸ™‚

I can microwave bacon perfectly extra crispy still. In memory of my acquaintance leaving the mortal coil, I am sad and made Sazon chicken as it was your magic spice. It was Mexican American but chicken pizza where oddly I ran out of food.

I seem to bitch about timing yet know however cruel life is approached correctly or sadly it isn’t a truer joy.** So slowly to hell hoping I’m an offer chosen even this I doubt it but I’m eightballed maybe but here so often it isn’t a trap just a moment I don’t understand all in play. Hug to you as you could easily tell I can use one and πŸ˜‰ some dinner ideas that actually are good. πŸ˜‰

Apparently I am in need of a life so to go raise more of one to share apparently I’m not lucky this instant I don’t know how to alter that either.

** I suppose this is to say it is that the magic as I know see or imagine I see dream etc is not coming it’s just well here’s a lemon be a sweet now. Here’s a victory hollow of meaning. I am to be at once perfect and by this crow silently I’ve lifted mine up but sshhhh I’m who know my non place. Chosen secretly. Hogtied for failure. Speaking of this – meatballs!

Chives cheesey chicken ones and a desert for xmas looked into I suspect banana cups

Am I all grey? Nah I just seem bereft of what to do when the plan is shambles but I’m not without.


The doings

Glasses ordered.
Email out as wp- is a speedy conduit – not.
I sit with just enough to forge forward.
Last doings are xmas-y offerings that if I manage them, yay. With one exception – a book proofing a touch difficult off a phone without glasses.
I hit good favorites or close-enough here.
I suppose the void of waiting is not the inaction but waiting. Do I move well?

If right, I may find the stars again with new glasses first time in over fifteen years. I warn it won’t last not the story just the chance to behold the heavens. I hope the story illuminated is nice. Yes I’m combining metaphor and literal.



This is nine mile a light rail station bus transfer etc for what was a Macdonalds-

The dq pic is where I went for Indian grocery goods and to see the sadness that masalaausa isn’t open today. (Vegetarian Indian cuisine) (Security very needs updating may balk in your browser) Hmart autos would be down the street a couple lights and the other way My Russian store. is city airport train transit

Chatfield reservoir is 3.5 miles biking trail ish
A state park