I’m thinkinking of the little things that alter for me and of me. In five years ish i have been away from the life set up in the previous five some years it’s periods.
this five years was of trying after more and while it seems I atombombed out not just struck out in those attempts, it’s not nearly so tragic as it may seem on the surface. I added as planned i might add to visit specifically deleware, south carolina, new englnd if possible, lousiana and arkansas without fail hopefully mississippi too and id hit alabut I managed all but deleware as i got lost in downtown philadelphia and didn’t have enough time to recover or I’d miss my flight out of town…nay to missed flights!!!! I missed one in december of thirteen and while I managed two of the three ladies i intended to see, I couldn’t fix that for five years nearly and thats um, showing up a dash late 😉
better than the ten year wait to see and taste a proper nigeerian meal in dallas i listed as reference in a college paper i did well on. or the thirteen year it took to get to visit new orleans as i meant to visit in oh five for mardi gras and couldn’t and oops katrina. but still, late’s late. now if you say it’s never too late you’d sorta be right spiritually speaking and then again you’d be dead dead wrong in other cases as there just is a time and season for some things. I didn’t get to visit a twenty some known friend in philadelphia as who wants to meet some minor internet friend who is of the opposite sex when one has a husband and family and enough hell trying to keep up a job and a life to suffer the irritation I was obviously interested once and say nice things still…. I mean by fuller example, the magic was nineteen ninety nine and I could visit philadelphia or oklahoma and I chose okalhoma for better or worse and i remember vividly in two thousand two the window of a time with here closed as pregnancy of the first of three came. and communications whilenever mean or nasty faded through the kids and then the second major life partner and now the second good so far and likely will be husband. times come. or a less likely partner where I asked and we all say the but I asked after this other long time internet friend still and she said nah and literally met the boyfriend of the next five years hell later finishing that hell with a nursing degree from being a guitarist and bartender previous to a totally new life of budhism with china visits to nursing and art in between that boyfriend of hell I caught up again and just as it was worth building my slow way more bam next thirteen gone with hubby two which he stepped away in that relationship she ended and lol less than a month later was with the new guy. yay he works out but there is definitely a timing in life! there is a season. there is a thing as too bad so sad too late hahaha now i remember the last had a relationship in progress but was supposedly done with hence I did strike out to try after it. i was about before it was official and yet behind the curve as it appears NOW then etc many points I didn’t fit with my hopes including after her and her wishes and thus it seems even if I made an atttempt to improve my timing it’s still a dash hopeless off hahaha i showed up with the offer me and it hust wasn’t an offer as much as it was a dream to look over sure but really just a test that what she chose along the way was what she wanted and it was and thus it seeeeeemed i had the time and I did but as you can imagine it turned out poorly for my hopes. and it probably always would which was sad as one avoids such no win situations as it’s hard enough trying and winning in life now try and lose double ouch. maybe Im wrong or worse maybe I relationship has a pregot played by a sinister player meanie pants hahaha and i totally suck at guessing people and situations and am doomed to a peaceful life alone if I’m smart fooey on others as I’m selfish anyways…. 😀 and i am who isn’t. ? . but again there are times it seems time or there is time and then there is so certainties that time passes even if initially say in grief it seems time never will budge but it does. but as you can clearly see I’m well aware of time more so than ever. fancy I’m just about middle aged too so I am perfectlyf timed for crisis ala midlife too which is perfectly ill-timed for the lessons of attracting others and the meaning and place of love I’d seek and they’d too or I’d never get laid, male reason for living number one forget any other reasons of living unless one has a kid to spend a life alongside in the ways we do which ding ding also requires getting laid so hence proof of point again. lady reader can laugh at such bogus bull crap logic on my part here spewed or lament i may have actually a sad point. your choice. it’s fun either way.
a sentence dropped somewhere sorry it’s still hard typing on a chromebook with it’s trs 80 trash computer button keys versus my phone and chicken pecking but being able to see errors.
anyways time…alan parsons project is on my cue list in a moment. I get to chase another period of time and enjoy it to the hilt complete with treasure and or lumps. I’m not as afraid this instant to not only not get what what I want but accept more fully the whole totality of another and that includes the darknesses and that you can thank two folk in their ways and nays on my hopes and offers forever. as without that I’d be more naive. boring. and useless. but I hope I’m not a life in training to have a damn life lol as there is in fact only so many seasons I’m here for!
now little things. I lived in a hostel off and on for the two years I lived in florida. I learned to live out of one drawer of a fridge. enjoy foreign or very few of my own tool or posessions as I had about one big wheeled suitcase gift i was given thanks…along with a cat pissed sweater I still have to try a bottle of enzyme solution on as I moved away to another cat who helped the damn rag along….and i need retire the shoes and the pjs flat out dont fit as I’m twenty pounds lighter and double knoted the cord on them for a heavier me…and the shoes gotta go about next month as they’re toasty finally and the med bag which should have been a lunch insulated hot or mostly cold bag the zipper sticks so it’s about aone pull from so long sucker.. or time ages the gifts in actuality. time passes without fail.. but it is in very little ways.
another little thing is I never used to even check a door locked as I refuse to live in fear in life and locks mean fear to me not just being careful after loved one s or safety. but i do lock doors now and check and some of my time was with family who lived that little bit differently than I
.I still don’t own more than a quick truck load gift lend of stuff or a car load back seat with dog along room to any home so you see I went from two trucks to what I even in limited lifting can and do lift myself even if I’ve no car…cab…I mean
I’m lighter in life’s footprintprints but more traveled
I literally now have cabbed a zillion places to even consider it sometimes necessary versus other transit options since I’ll never drive being blind even if you offer a fancy robot driver car.
Ihaven’t entirely given up hope even if a zillion things stack up against me and unlike my teen years they have stacked against me and I’m more adamently wishing to be alive than i did in the depression session of teens.
I’ve less now than ever and yet more? weird. i’ve far more against me and feel more support. I’ve far less real options and statistically far less purchasing power than ever yada on my thoughts help me out government@ hahaha yet I’ve far far more power than ever. it’s little things. like gratitude thank you ms aben.