Visions, Dillusions

Recently, an old roommate / friend returned “home” to where he originates – Mikkeli, Finland.  Given his general CRAZY activeness of anything active, and old days riding Michigan’s not quite metro Detroit anymore, I looked about the maps.  It came up with a bunch of cycling references.  Even a little, cycling shows the distances doable at about 250 KM blocks from a port of entry to his town – Helsinki Finland to Mikkeli Finland, which while doable seems more fun to train.  Mikkeli to Svetogorsk, Russia and because now it’s onnnnllly 250KM from here to ST Petersburg, Russia….ooo! This suddenly is an active holiday dillusion!…. Oops, Vision.

Picturesque st Petersburg with for me vague Dostoevsky mentions and a stereotypical vodka.

Anyways.  I can’t even bike my own hills well if at all.  I have no caboose.  Behind.  So as it’s been a bit since I biked anywhere, and I’m curious as always a little bit further into possible when I’m very often biting off a lot but think it’s possible!  E-Bike.  I mean I’m not allowed to Motorcycle, I’m legally Blind.  But I just can’t do any journey justification when the last distance day riding was 32 miles … ~52km thank you Google and etc!  I wasn’t destroyed energy wise.  And my longest day ride with grandad at 14 was 49 miles of glorious Ann Arbor Michigan area riding…. I was shagged out then!   So I know well to note distances and ability yet not forget time is cruel as in 14 I literally weighed 189 lbs versus 62.5kg is my dialysis target dry weight…or apples to oranges in life points! Hahaha. By the way that’s under 140lbs, 62.5kg.  so, 250km on my own steam? M not in one push! (Day). And I’m curious how much the ebike offers in oomph (peddle) assist.

Such is the retrain.  Neat what one can find on the internet!  And, while I’m used to standup typical roadbikes, I find the recumbent ones neat and! Can light me one of these hopes I’m not smooshed,


At least I wouldn’t be lying!  Hahaha everyone’s favorite, a slow incompetent driver on the road!  I dream of being internationally annoying…



But as an ebike as this style bike isn’t oft an ebike. And 2600 is a bit budget busting at present so hmn.


Back to my cinnamon coffee.  ;). But as this notion hasn’t disappeared in days, I figured I’d note how nuts I am.  My last bike adventure ooo was that fun even if I asked my companion as I can’t see well, to lead and  🎶🎶George, George, George-of-the-Jungle, strong as he can be… Watch out for that TREE!🎶🎶 Is how that went… Yes, I still smile.  Oh heheh I tell on myself wishing a moment continued.



Italian, Lazy, Lazier Still… Or, Greek?

And now?


Cheese s.

Sour cream thinned cream of celery soup

Italian sausage 300g (the other 150g is my breakfast)

Eggplant (Chinese, dice and roast)

Tomato sauce 16oz


Moussaka is what became of the eggplant as I was just far too lazy to Italian.


Yap, yap, yap

I’m reminded rereading ME -yes even I’m confused what I meant “yesterday!” Too.  But moreso I’m reminded vas I forget thankfully, some of the bummers that plagued me x days ago.  I can not say I utilize alcoholic’s anonymous attitude gratitude daily gratitude training by listing my thankful points amidst my lesser moment’s fortunes… Nor despite good church-in, PRAY with that being to God my yays enough…. Oops.   But moreso than ever I truly do more yayying rather than find a whiskey and a smoke and get all artistic cool or whatever.

While I began here on WordPress 2/2012 ouch if you’re new!  I tried shining up this site moreso than I had bothered in all the non school journal/blog stuff beforehand.  I keep a fuck it!  2nd blog where there I don’t bother but invite less folk…duh! Old example of nanowrimo, a month-long adventure trying to write your novel each year, this year I tried to write and just couldn’t so I tried the whole month to get a old-fashioned radio show written in limmericks and haiku!  Good, bad or ugly, that’s then.

But gratitude.  Trying at the worst s to be happy.   It sure beats misery.!.  A n d yet while you’ll not read the worst moments. Heh!  Everyone gets the poo-poo moments.  Far better to do up a radio show instead of grousing I’m suddenly as creative as a sidewalk drunk at 2 a m !

I can make crappy store level sushi – spicy tuna! Despite losing mobility and most therefore use of one arm thanks to beginning dialysis…another prize believe it or not as I’m still around even unmarried damn it.   But: take a can! Yes Mr foodie food snob wannabe master chef and probably am compared to some of you,. Take a can of of tuna which with mayonnaise you’d make an ordinary tunasalad sandwich.  Use half as much and I suggest measuring! Halve the mayo to substitute hot sauce and mostly soy sauce.  If you are fancy, toast some black sesame seed to sprinkle the  result prettier… And yes, it tastes better too… But sometimes I don’t have money or time for that search….  YouTube if you didn’t apprentice as a sushi master how sushi rice is made… Pretty much like rice actually ;). Now get that seaweed sheet riced up which is easy enough and get a line of your fancified! Hot tuna salad in that middle and 🎶 r”on family, roll on crew!  Roll on momma like I asked you to do!  Roll on eighteen wheeler, roll on!” (Alabama, “roll on!”). Oops a little disjointed country not. Sophisticated sushi…. So what.  I’m not the best cook or the best writer.  But you ain’t never gonna read no one like me.

And at x costs tuna,mayo,rice,nori option black sesame seed, vinegar/seasoned rice wine, and or sugar cheap vinegar, rolling mat, to do inside out like this roll is made some plastic wrap too, you’ve fancy ass lunch.  I still love tostada Mexican no lunch action too! Mmm!  Even halved in skills and still legally blind – or ” one handed and blindfolded” I cook… No I’m not very pretty sadly anymore but I can eat tastey things still!  Yaaay!


I do enjoy being alive unlucky to date in getting my lifemate friend to annoy be with my company.  Bit late for trying up children and junk but who doesn’t enjoy practicing heh still??  And a hieving however sad! And pathetic seeming basic everyday living??  I gotta eat, can’t afford eating out every meal etc… So I gotta cook. Oh wanh… No different than you!  But I want fancy yummy things like tv chefs ooo!

While this seems advanced Fancy– it’s doable.  Souis vides. Style cabbage broth take a turkey roasting bag and measure the Volume of cabbage cooked to the water added and cook in 140°F/ 60°C water (1/2 cabbage about 1 hour whole but cut down! About two hours  and  come on! Cabbages vary widely in size so measure your cut cabbage for water or chef eyeball with your magic powers …).   This! Is gently scented and brilliant colored stock. Well it is after a blender and staining of this through cheesecloth.  Salt so it ain’t gross.  This in a squeeze bottle so you get stock around fried stuffs without drowning alll of your crisp away is helpful.  Now fry some seafood and veggie/ pickled veg and you’ve a damn fancy ass soup.  While I’ll have trouble moving a 6 liter small stockpot as I said I’ve strict! Weight restrictions or I’m to angioplasty to fix a quickly restrictricting dialysis access which means I get crappy treatment and worse take an hour or more to heal after a four hour jaunt in a chair….where!  You listen to your doctor’s more as you age as it’s such a bitch not to…. I still smoke ciggies like a stinky idiot!  I don’t always listen! … But you try more and I don’t care if that’s cool sissy or not.  Bless you if you choose the good living habits or reform with group help etc. Good for YOU!  It’s okay! To be good to you!

But it’s trying to be jazzed with life on purpose that I came yapping today.  Now to heck with you! I got a serious need to urinate!


Heart Of Rust


Oh God Thirty coffee

Moulders mischievously chilling

As does the hope bright die.


Working On It

I bought me a Chinese Eggplant.  I have three ways I can approach cooking this.

Full out eggplant parmesan of slice, salt, drain, bread it, fry it… presumably serve with simple sauce spaghetti carefully boldly herbed.

Split, hollow, fill, bake stuffed eggplant presume I’ve rice and whatnot not enough.

 Dice and bake, simple kinda like country potatoes baked eggplant.  Slice onion and likely ranch dressing for a veggie taco.

I can bake, scoop out, puree with tahini and various spice and oil…baba ghanoush…. similar to hummus. But I lack the stuff on hand for this.  Sometimes I remember that what’s the point of a sandwich if it doesn’t get those good garden fixings? Junior High School era friend. Don’t get by unless you must, have what’s good with things. Restaurants bliss for you! At home for supposed savings!

So I’m offered roommate’s chicken wings.  He describes them as salty.  So! You made Lot’s Wife Turned Around Wings?


Yes, it amuses me but doesn’t quite punchline joke…oh well


Wake up.

The tune, the Digital Underground’s’ ‘Humpty dance’
“A wasp in your pants is your chance to up and jump.
(Oo oo you stung me, lady”)

Wasp symptomology oft says wake up!. My leg stopped hurting but…hmph..


Riff It

Peering into all my day’s time
The country is a lazy yawn
No songbird sings through my window
Heated longing cries
Let me in from my nights hopes
Four walls to hold me tight
Let me just count lost tries
Save me from the neon lies

Why must I try (try), try (try)
To enjoin with your nature
Fly (fly) fly (fly) Time says you’re but yesterday
Why must I try (try), try (try)
To enjoin with your nature
Fly (fly) fly (fly) Time says you’re but yesterday

Letting go has its danger
Icy ghosts of yester-years
Let me paint you here
All belief dies tragically clear

Why must I try (try), try (try)
To enjoin with your nature
Fly (fly) fly (fly) Time says you’re but yesterday
Why must I try (try), try (try)
Bereft of your belief, always feeling that cheat
To enjoin with your nature
Fly (fly) fly (fly) Time says you’re but yesterday

I gave all coming your way
And left soon enough for the grave
(Sorry) time flies
(Sorry) time flies

Drinking in somewhat forlornly
Coffee and silence’ vibes
I still feel your echoes
So pardon me a sigh

Why must I try (try), try (try)
To enjoin with your nature
Fly (fly) fly (fly) Time says you’re but yesterday
+-Scat or riff it to fade-+…

Human nature – Johnny Bettis & Steve porcaro (as popularized by Michael Jackson)
But yesterday – fried cold minimums 😉


Political Poo-Poo I live in Colorado USA and am less than a year from Tampa/St Petersburg Florida and previous to that, Ft Benning (army base/Columbus Georgia) then Colorado again heh…

I’m well aware of common figuring AND how you might as well double the pricing given or money’s stated required as such too often seems the price actually due. I’m also well aware of how much comes… Like I’m medically disabled and due to weirds still not repealed of that I’m blind legally and thus allowed a modest but important higher bit more doubling as it works out what I get. It is one FIFTH the stated above requirement to “live”. Minor restrictions of assets and savings prohibit block simple home ownership or technically ever a new car…etc. And with this framework I must buy insurance…. That offers a you can be billed atop that. Now I’m offered $432 a month insurance and
Such is $338,xxx.xx in billing offering me $43,xxx.xx to pay that’s just to June – I’m seeing $75,xxx.xx a month normally with $18,xxx.xx I may be billed or $900,000.00 a year medical care. But $165,000.00 ish I may be billed. Now please don’t misunderstand this as not understaning medical is spendy… Or that I’m whining… It’s just that I’m allowed 85,000 as a threshold if! I earned above disability and this threshold repeals the base insurance which Humana seen suppliments… Or I would get the whole $900,000.00 at current expectations just to pay my way understandably? I understand I’m not allowed a simple fair way forward. Self determined, independently.

I was quoted terms of I’d get $5,000.00 atop the quoted price in likely fair billing. It’s going to be $165,000.00. I never can raise this. At least under current circumstances. Even a good job only buries me alive with threat of repaying insurance as up to seven years will be reviewed if yo catch good. Don’t forget the average billed cost dialysis, my particular expense, is $100,000.00 you’d shake your head why I’m seeing $900k?

I’m one for rules believe me, I missed responding to a letter within 2 weeks and lost all income for 2 years reapplying. But it’s amusing political poo-poo I see I’m cared for but only at expense to my independent dignity -thus I still pay! LoL. Threats should you try normal ways ahead versus a fair accounting and channels to reward effort? (This also demonstrates statistics misinform. $53k is expected you buy the machine $20k peritoneal dialysis not the double of hemodialysis I’m on…which I can’t start my own double IV for… Yet you can sorta see yourself it’s not $53k but $900k. As long as I’m banned from achieving in illness success even despite odds… Threat of utter bankruptcy and preexisting condition bans on forward? Hahaha what poo-poo


The Attitude Bath

Since I cannot deter minus looking if I’m stitched from last angioplasty, I’m not keen to remove a cleanliness thing, a bandage to be disappointed I must wait to shower if stitched. I’d love that of a bath here hang no get wet over the side.

I got chinese first timr since covid shutdown. It went up 20% in price. And I’m pleased it came in fifteen minutes and warm still, I’m not huge on the pay first life and the inherent cash says your happy.

Mmm dumplings. And yay they stay down so far!

I do improve so minus any fever I’m not feeling that much a jerk for going about life.

424 angel number meaning… Seems to say may the first move toward someone you’ve oo Lala’s for. Could be a nurse or it could mean me… I got chinese atop send a carefully said mail I’m not keen on the kneejerk judgements I’ve gotten lately, from bathroom disgraces times didn’t ‘paint”. People’s on thin welcome turning up like bad pennies yet same stuff, stuff missing yet not even the courtesy of an inventory just bald accusations… Hmph…. Damn people for what they do! Not they might bed

This turns one beer into rampant alcoholism… And frankly I want my drinks now and again. But what I can live without is the guilt I chose a lil joy they may for their reasons not choose… And it’s plausible blind may miss things gross as that implies… It’s possible. But believe me, crapping on walls is not one of them! So, I’ve a thin welcome visitor who has destroyed property shown up… My complaining folk assume foul of me yet huge surprise they are broke after eons not working… And thus hmn. But a hmn howling my innocence…. Because each accusation adds and all bad things remembered… I don’t need another eviction as I’m some problem!

Believe me, letting all belief go unchallenged…I’ve gotten evicts effectively before.. others notions can count.



By joy I got to this or that littl things and today it’s crap on the walls …what did *I* have an accident? (Overhearing months in the bank is not even a two month balance…. Big surprise there’s some complaint …)

Now I can’t change “convinced”. But I sure can influence.

To this end I get bills, I didn’t crap the walls, I did the dishes yet most of all without anger to the angry.

I get to do this hopeless and forlorn of God as in his yeah abundance providing I’m paying and giving it. Love isn’t attraction built into friendship but how much I’m getting and as I’m billed a million so at 45 unmarried and now a million a year before I can pursue leading a life in… Yeah let’s just say God ain’t coming to this one for the bailout dreams granted capable in an instant sure but awaits ten percent and may ignore the request anyways. You don’t think I suffer Faith’s tests or get discouraged? Hahahaha I do. And yet dumb to some to believe in the flying spaghetti monster makes as much sense to atheist s as to believe in God… To know Trump is worth less than Oprah Winfrey. And Hillary with bill ain’t quite 25% Oprah but what a hell of a fundraiser! Til she lost, Hillary. Point now is aim n cowl at a billion and seacrest the host 750,000,000. Believe you me, judge Judy parlies 150,000,000 to tell you she’s smart and if she believes your claims you’ll win. Ever notice it’s a five thousand appearance fee that you can by previous agreement sign away if you lose your case? And your judgeakes $125,000 whether you win or los? You bet, smart judge! And even a not huge as in I get 1 hour tv watched a month if that! And I’ve seen Judge Judy! My

Same thing American new star singer or whatever Simon is selling too.

Money is there by the rainbows on backlog there’s oodles of abundance out there !

Yet I’m cared for when by true abundance getting evicted, truly I’ll, dumped in love as I wanted belief hahaha… returned used bankrupted hopeless this minute and at a million a year of a standard solution not this one free of this…. I mean hahaha. Faith. It’s possible yet more often it’s just another bill… Wow you can write sells three copies to Mommy…. Wow you’re a heavyweight you poured published… No one listens as it’s not about anger or sex…

I don’t need Oprah’s fortune. Nor Trump’s. And I can even with basic investment …a c fox at 25%returns on a mutual fund fuck stocks directly people! And less than 1%cost yearly of principal invested and 39%in taxes ///5% over normal taxes because you won capitalism or something/////. That’s easy as strippers coo cooing the next ten spot…. That’s 3million to endow the exec, the secretary they’ll screw, and pay the workmen workwomen to do the job! Trust me it’s who is winning cause of you on… There’s oodles of money out there….yes for the office the salaries and money to still pay to get little stuff achieved, if one must EARN that living. Don’t tell me you can’t achieve a world changed if you’ll be paying cash money upfront. Don’t tell me you want to Sheppard use of 3 million not being a free lunch! It’s nothing to oops it didn’t happen your money away. It’s no joke Shepparding wealth…tis a shame most lose humanity worried over a dollar not yet made! It’s also sad that if one doesn’t plan the wealth out it’s bankruptcy as to parasites… Pick a rapstar. Them cool mugs cost much gold and snort much chemicals! Better to endow a charity to next to nothing done than rap! Something other than just a party happens!

But that’s me being insensitive.

Still, quite the conundrum this moment. Knowing it’s possible a ND just getting another bill. Hahaha

Don’t completely loSE faith. Be sad winning the lottery after cussing gods as useless now wouldn’t it? As to transplant yep there to what illness? I mean lots is possible! But it ain’t believe it when I see it… It’s believe it into existence! Belief up front.

Not cussing those who want elsewise. As believe me now I liked and loved many who chose away. Away from any life ours …mine… As such only chases folk away and fortunes.

Attitude I guess. Sure beats a suicide of what God what hope what did I get but a bill! Why be gone, maybe I can lie up enough support afterall hahaha. And maybe I’m right there’s more living than this! And I still prove the point you believe first…proof is later….if it’s to be.