Posted on

365q2,19 what or what

what questions my morals?

simple, I ain’t got a relationship. I’m middle aged now.   I’ve the world of women at my disposal – not all of them taken.  I can not seem to find one who is unattached in some way to someone else.  therefor i get absolute red light warning signs everywhere when love rears it’s head…. jaja make the jokes.

 

I mean, it’s one thing to say in any analysis, i cheat no one saying the words or emoticons i do, love is visceral – present.  not just dreamed of in words.  so words mean nothing  – when words are all i have and i type so so badly and rarely edit….  kiss it.  a big moon for you.  but it does.  it does challenge my morality to know words mean everything or at least more than nothing at that particular moment.   words are often all i have.  and i type so so badly and so rarely edit… ja ja, 😀 …

I have hurt as the choices were made and i wasn’t the one.  I have heard every justification  it seems around the dial saying it’s just bum luck it wasn’t me as otherwise the choices were made and i fit every criteria but taken.  … this is reading like a sad night after a beer but I honest beer or no beer can’t say i understand… the second kick in the face as you may love me or at leasst care – but to not see the situation is but the second mistake….not the first.  and thus, words are all i have and i type so so badly and rarely edit… 😀

 

now now!  pause for a slug of the worst stuff… i made the beer run, so this IS a beer fueled retro spective pile of palaver…  but the point! oh that what challenges my morals?  it’s the question – why do i more than ever wonder if all that exists is a least worst evils choice regarding my ultimate dream of affirmation of being about a helpmate?  because who’s helping whom?  am i only pickable if I’m useless in everyway thus the bar is my independence/ what you can get and it damn well isn’t another bill?  why do i suspect i’m expected to give up.  suspected.  i’m not that advanced of a spiritual creature.  why do i need to give up and “let god’ so to speak only to be disappointed and disheartened you ain’t worth a flying fuck to either of our lives?…sorry beer took over 😀  why should i give up so you can love me and be instantly unsure whether it’s yet again another choice that it’s enough but obviously no where near what i’d want nor life affirming to my hope i’m worth something as a human being in any standard not just a jaded you like me one?  an independently respected and verifiable standard?   — i.e. am i seriously to have zero pride in this life?  i know this is going to sound really fucking dumb- if you’re spiritually advanced, but don’t I get some pride? some ego?  i know this ultimately is the dumbest thing i can ever admit to- pride is shit.  not just for me… pride is shit.  hurts everyone and let’s fear grow.  i am afraid… why shouldn’t iwalk the only path i’ve been shown for ME works?  let pride go… let the lesser folk have the pride. I can lose in strength all my life and win.  prideful insertion possible here 😀

 

so there you are.  what challenges my morality is the elevations of fear.  my fear s are simpler, i’m unmarried and in lessening health as in what’s all this to mean i’m blah! aged!! it should matter.  i should have something to show for this life.  blankity blank and where is that idiot woman to validate my existence as a lesser being there only to elevate ME?  – you didn’t expect misogeny out of me – did you? 😉  i am regrettably male.  my apologies. and bigger assholes have stolen your heart or your virginity or anything worth saying it mattered long ago and i am supposed to be nice…only to await the next I’m sorry????  D’OH!!!! that beer again!  there i go asking questions, dreaming hoping, living fearing  and trying anyways to my last breath or trip to the liq. 😉  we all know my love affair can be anything that surprises me… telegraph time 😀  JUST LIKE A COUNTRY SONG!!!

Advertisements

About starmanjones

Everything and Nothing interests me. I cook read, write and even have to clean. I SHOULD NOTE: I'm 40 something.

2 responses to “365q2,19 what or what

  1. Aw 😦 and Aw 🙂
    Keep being true to who you are, J-Man! That’s the best thing to do in this crazy thing called “LIFE”. We’re all learning and growing and doing the best we can. I don’t understand all the whos and whys and the whats and the hows and the whens and the wherefores…I just keep trying to make my corner of the world a better place, live and love, and I find joy in each day! 🙂
    (((HUGS)))
    PS…Did you know women are like country music songs? They all sound alike, they’re all annoying, and if you actually listen to them you’ll get depressed and drink a lot. Ha! 😀 Just a joke! Just teasin’! 😛

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s