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another wander without paragraphs largely into how I thin

No, i haven’t lost it quite again…if i ever had it anyways….I’m just past a harder moment with a clearer sense of it receding into the past.

in health news I can’t say I’ve taken mmy sugar levels but I haven’t had many out of food naps just one in maybe a wend or more. talso haven’t every day taken the not always so effective cocktail of pills again. I know this is counter to common prescription and to most sense at all. but if I take a lot of say thyroid and I still walk down a street to a sharp noise instantly followed by screaming bloody murder little person and red hate reminds me of my youth and a lifetime of injusticeses instead of the love I was shown…never mind people’s methodology a moment and just see that i was looked after best my folks knew how to…they most certainly offended me who at times can choose never a second to forget… I’d rather not that intensity and have changed my supply of b vitamins via more booze or beers over the years to in effect drink it away….or block.. why it serves me well as I cope better and maintain employment minus a few inexplicable oopses if I get too happy and skip the subway replenishment of the mind….bread is a great source of b vitamins you can intake while beer from the same is NOT as it depletes. you would think I’d stop this blasphemy against the right holy jimmy johns when in truth shit is what subways serves consistently now I only remember a dream of good subway bread as it doesn’t exist… the only thing is the y still serve a hot meatball sandwich with extra olives and sometimes onions h and jalepenos pepper only you know why. next the cocktail kidneys tends not to work so well with either salt intake or vernal over use of internal insulin I still produce versus the fakes….this means my magical three days without this or that pill kidney potion means I piss like a veritable racehorse by comparison now to wondering if i’m done for plumbing stopped up which is what 17 oz or less in a 12-14 period means versus half a gallon which is impaired significantly still but workable..however I feel the flush so hypertension won’t let that remain nor will naps be avoided for long as my balances stay maybe 8 days at most and come only after 3 weeks hoped after efforts to reestablish them. but here’s something telling. I know when it’s swinging towards bad when I can’t walk without twinge anywhere I’m out of breath even though it’s been less than 3 days since a big big exercise achievement but it’s “mall gone” all of a sudden… that’s of course a be careful to up the efforts as in it’d do no good to start running only into ticker trouble! but work it before you can’t! is the order of the day. just like after these hypertensive days leave when acids leave me thanks to the other part of kidney systemic flush allopurinol for gout which I never showed one classic sign…but that is a small feeling that is more and more obvious. I’m not 20 anymore. oh I don’t either fell hopeless here as many millions classically say time sneaks up but to know how isn’t a comfort. as to eating a damned pizza slice and having to spend 20 minutes with a entail pick to clean dental bits out? that’s damned annoying but as I’m after diabetes but not the hit it with potions always trick I know I have to hit the damned dental hygiene or i have breath ala bad but it’s classic odor foul also is deadly similar to being dead hungover…you already heard I like my drink but smelling like I like it on the job is bad bad bad bad mojo. never mind I actually don’t drink on the job nor 4 at least was my worst moment of mmm. one! beer. but I’ve already been asked if I drink thanks to all the good wine gifts. I got the brush off once chance of are you fucking serious oh hell no trick…but again negative never really go away they are filed for later and watched.just like a thank you to my big boss lead to a don’t clock in 15 minutes early via my direct supervisor….I take it I wasn’t funny and it was unappreciated. and far too many see so so much less of me they cheer my arrival but in that way you smell bad news overheard suspiciously not shared with me…humph. this again can illustrate the very real issues with taking over long time periods high powered hormones which all must balance and are subtle fucks they are… rage is one with thyroid against in justice, depression is another and the third is the dead certainty of suspicions..on everything… I once knew this because ritalin can cause the same feeling but different mechanisms of lessened coping skills…however it’s straight up mania… one bad run never another damned pill of that shit. but you can’t exactly say i make perfect sense to you under the best of circumstances. you know you sense my tone…which is to sway I’ve a mild gift of the written voice. but ask yourself ass you explore the idea I smoke -a type of amphetamine grossly linked to hypertension and other troubling life ending diseases…and stinky and expensive atop this why I’d rather die a smoker than touch a ritalin which is even with breaks far more safe and effective…yes even instant crying collapses maniacs and all than crippling shortness of breath kidney crushing heart piercing slow miserably decaying death? why? you think I’m smart. well, I control the smokes use..haahahahahaha…. I can’t ritalin. I hope that’s a simple enough way to say it. you and I might occasionally admit that the only thing I control sorta is a behavior loop of ingestion. I probably think no measurably clearer the reason to have the aide of an amphetamine of any kind unless weight loss is your goal. now 😀 controlling whether to see a set back in others opinions at work suppressing suspicions someone knows something damn it and walking home to damn it again I fucking gave 2 years of reliably proven performance to be treated blankity worse f in now than I did when i was a shite know nothing klutz… whatever! 😉 or shall I say issues with depression and the obvious injustice are a simple family has issues with their own issues even if they will effect me and just when it seems timed perfectly to fail everything I worked for damn you asshole god…little g please.. you know the words the peer were held in be it our thoughts or if luckier in the religious ferver of the word of god…. don’t dismiss me out of hand just yet 😀 this is just the decision and trigger process. the real life thought stream I have. I know I’m not in perfect health but I am ten years nearly eleven into diabetes diagnosis. i avoid heart attack with luck and some well timed 5k ear h way walks nonstop. I don’t have drink every day. how could i afford it with half hours and a free fridge door policy never ever look poor was the I believe the advice at work from one. it is zen and also works for me. but it isn’t free. I’m surely happy and scatterbrained. but more often than not I’m not crazy. we all know how very serious unto divorce from society mental illness portends.

but, it’s still fun to say we’re crazy.

By Starman Jones

Everything and Nothing interests me. I cook read, write and even have to clean. I SHOULD NOTE: I'm 40 something.

6 replies on “another wander without paragraphs largely into how I thin”

why yes, 😀 it’s always been in one big LUMP. wait till you see me get excited and actually activate the brain! I am literally skills capable of of making this seems like sense! I still have capabilities for mental overdrive…not this backwater boring pedestrian slog of be good, be good be good johnny – men at wormy, that i’m on lately.

You don’t think your family is abusive. If the tables were turned, would they help you similarly? I sometimes think about where the line is drawn. Is it fair to spend 10s of thousands on bail, court, hospital, housing fees to help out a career criminal who is diagnosed with disease related to addiction? and is it just as fair to help out, using the same 10s of thousands of dollars, someone with ambition to improve , whose version of such is higher education to specialize in a career with ideas of helping society which looks like finding a cure for cancer? I suppose it depends on how Communistic one is, and look at what happens to those societies. No easy answer except the one to the original question.

Whether they are or are not is largely immaterial to me. in this sense I will always be troubled less and the answers will always be easier. as to help, this Is why I suppose I’m perfect for abrahamic faiths, I know that in most cases those helped are about as paper worthy of the effort as a dog boot-scooting a cross a rug with a trail behind him…worthy of a swift booting or least collar drag out howl about it and clean some more. as to interesting juxtapositions I have a firm notion of a legacy as half my ssdi is dad’s which in a way is very useful save I am left to make sure it’s to protection of itself and therefor me by proxy, and to something of someone now gone ten year …who gave to those whom mom would howl about and often never repaid because it was christian to him to do so…it’s easy to separate out a choice he might make versus mine, if mom doesn’t like it I likely don’t either and it’d be done… in this way you see I tell on myself being more my mother in actions than like dad – however his side of genetics down to the very blind from birth seems to show I’ll live with the stimiulouses he might have all my days. now, is it fair? religion seeks us to be more godlike in our living…so alan dershowitz wrote a book called the genesis of justice wherein this harvard law professor takes on how the bible dispenses justice and how it’s lead to laws like or not like the bibles since. cain murders and walks? yet cain becomes the people of edam and they are later wiped out entirely? the people of the garden of eden are told they’ll die the day they eat the apple yet live on for 800 years ish? and cain murders and WALKS? I’ll kill you if you drink my last beer b ut go kill your sibling so long as you do it away from ME??? or to answer you question some, religion asks us to do things that are good upfront and also down the road and ultimately powerful always….so in a way I can be right and greedy as I got a lil benefit fro my dad it’s mine everyone else fuck off? many get lucky to administrate a memory of a loved one passed or do things instructed of another’s last wishes that ultimately are insane to their way of thinking. so in a way what’s fair got to do with power but one more way to look good or not so good with power? it won’t ruin me to get a month ahead on my real house kitty as that’s whether this house is /remains our stewardship or we can do whatever as cash backing exists to say yes. is it fair I’m not able by sea.gov to list thus control this account in any way or it’s MY asset / income as is my rent money?? no 😀 since when does fair enter this? would it bother me that once the house money was borrowed to personal use without approval just notice? sure but what’s fair got to do with it its still there it’s just I couldn’t can’t see it as gov says pay for the privilege unlike many others who forget if the money touches your hands you owe taxes you aren’t just a kindly servant you’re transacting business and tax is due…bubkiss… but I’m watched so I can’t so easily play…or put this another way once it leaves my hands it’s gone and thats frightening as I’ve lost control / power but there is the hope my aim paid after is met which is what b.s. emergency? fix it lets move on we’re prepared for them they always come and I’m not losing a / family’s place to stay so when did fair enter this it’s simply power. in my personal finances I want two months paid ahead why because ultimately I want to make sure me and family stand and stay standing tall even if this means what it always does they may not be as strong as I think I am and or choose even partially to play correctly along. how to win friends and influence people, make simple requests where you win independently of their choices good or bad. and pay up front for yourself and mouth and yadda… basically it’s be useful. this implies I’ll be used work with the connotations of that and laugh. now ask me so what if I make my goals. so what? it’s the thinnest first comprehensive step towards stronger reinforcements in the face of other people’s choices but lord I’ve done my part and because people know and all my experience respect this… I seek to obtain the model of do wisely and be respected/able for said and really worry less over the world. now justice. is this just… doubtful as I’ve said why even one misuse is proof there’ll be misuse and thes the weakness someone displays that need to use what’s mine for their unfair means/ends nothing just in that and also it means I feel look more foolish to trust problem free dedication to the right things. but here’s where faith comes useful. karmically speaking I paid the least to move here and thus in a way might end up having the most to do…sis left the triune for this place to duo… ‘d like to not be stuck anywhere and feel I have it harder unfair ..yes I feel I did the buing cause I had the 200 more a month income bad choices really mine’s mine and power says make sure thats a guarded position..so advantages taken of me are really still my responsibility to avoid protect against thus leaving me free to big boy pants and own take responsibility for my actions/consequenses and worry less over interpersonal justice what justice as it’s based on I saw it I swear it I can’t see so what justice? I can however leave a system that is stable and powerful. so ask yourself if abusive really matters…yes still it should because to associate too closely or at all with those not improving one is a great way to get hurt…but never once is their soul my concern so much as do my own work and plod along through misuses cheats slights all that noise why because I can make my world happen or bitch I wasn’t given a fair shot… no one respects the whiner waiting. everyone has their struggles too. but worrying I’ll get justice is a fine way to waste my time and break my heart. for me often what justice?

It sometimes helps to put it all “on paper”.
I wish you the best in your life…health, family, job, etc.
Oft times our society doesn’t provide well…help those who need help…so often we have to advocate for ourselves.
(((HUGS)))

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