I did my bit and got close to paid zero to fight for international romance/travel etc only to choose a summer of pissing that and any quick dream away or be forever selfish fucking family over in their time of woe and need. I didn’t trust the 15 time fined timed tax cheat handling my paycheck. I didn’t cuss my employer for choosing his mistress well or not so. yet it appears I will suffer the worry of poor decision making and risk my own dreams because of poor brain power. and remember, no one will respect the outcome of the decision either way because of the fact I painted ME into this poor corner of outcomes…just by simply hoping I’d get some help towards my hopes and dreams instead of realizing pay for them myself and be ever vigilant of this shit and avoid the smell of it or boo too on me for being foolish enough to court it with foolish I say indecision.
not a back hell of a summer to fight through as I’m on the hook til semptember 14st see me clocked in at work thus one day after proving 2 full years of work by sea.gov rules or the first chance at proving my future. I have 3 such chances and then maybe I have a better one the second is zeroed out paid in full everyone to begin saving and the third is proven 3 years on the job….everything else is bullshit lies. but funny how little I’ll get til the year is through especially if i make a poor string more of choices courting failure at every turn. it’s as simple as saying yes or no. what a grand job I do paradoxically say no to me or my future saying yes somehow to failures of responsible distance and stuff. don’t mind me I’m mad at myself for failing yet again.
I’m even reasonably sober so as not to compound the failure some more.