the usual fluttering things hit my mind and stomac because this check determines whether it’s big instant forward, little instant forward or grueling effort….financial choices wise…mental effort. someone clear the armchair and let’s find the pipe tobacky. I cant cash it til Friday of course but now I’m steelier after abstract things. so in the spirit of childish things lets deflower the actual flower not the bambi movie skunk or pretty girls…just the flower head’s petals I’ll make my dreams, I’ll make my dreams sooner.. I’ll make my dreams..
What is it I even care about? I mean I have a whim posted on how to make up a core stereo for audiophile pleasures. it’s seven paychecks. I have a travel dream and the fullest extend of it is – smoking camels in key largo (yes, I know Bogart did it ’43 in fact Casablanca…but also passed of cancer) then beaching on both the gulf and the Atlantic followed by meeting nearly two handfuls of people in person most for the first time and the only pinchers are timing- that’s appearing to be two paychecks for travel alone and it’s ancillaries and two for accommodation and normal fun . I have this grinding need to pay everything ahead on utilities witch literally is rent to me that’s two paychecks and finally I have bills like many so I have one last check todays perhaps to pay off the whole year’s fun and yet I must live too so can it be the extra to keep me from scrounging? but the balance problem is focusing each day at a time then each check is my last so I push harder to learn my way and remain safe within growing at my job and humbly so. thus if you count that’s six months which I don’t even haveas I have two months then a meeting to see if and how much I lose to ssdi repayment and whether I get to keep my job at all which I will two months anyways maybe three so as to lay up enough against thinner times.
I’m not unhappy to pay back “x” or need to be careful with “y” a nd not shit on the gods for making me learn “z” the depth of thanks for a shallower gift perhaps because “x” is the law and we follow them and cuss ’em if need be but be gracious. “y” or why is who I am by choices and mine have expanded this year…. but realizing this power with what I wants not wow I bought good beer and expensive cheese I’m a versed gouramond. I’d like some stuff! to look like I worked half a year and made quite a lot out of it. learning patience is frustrating. but remember too that I haven’t forgotten I doubled my financial powers and am financially ahead on the curve with the utilities which are my rent paid forward so I have a literal safety month before Christmas and perhaps the actual cash rent portion for the four people split you know what would happen if someone moved out. a safety net before I’m fourty which is a long way away… but not that long this birthday is 39. I too suffer from what I should be doings or havings like any coming up into old farty birthdays. the assessment years 😉
so yes you cn see it’s POSSIBLE but feels like a carrot charming bunnies. but it is mainly a question of are wethere yet?